Fully Exposed -- Diaries on the Net

By Margie Borschke

Dear Diary:

I've spent the past few days reading other people's diaries. They don't necessarily know this nor do they care . They publish their diaries on the World Wide Web. Anyone on the Internet can access them.

Most people I told about this article were shocked if not horrifyied, that anyone would make their private lives so public. They assumed these diarists were either desperately needy or that they were just plain old freaks. But they haven't read their pages. They don't know what I know. Then again, I don't know what it is I think I know about them. I'm certain that there is something more than the voyeuristic thrill of access to the intimate details of the lives of a stranger at work. But why is it that these fairly ordinary stories are so strangely compelling?

On Wednesday I called Carolyn Burke, a 30 year old internet consultant in Toronto, Bryon Sutherland, a 26-year-old student and IBM employee in Denton, Texas and Danielle Tropea, a 20 year old Hampshire College student who writes under the pseudonym of Natalie Engel. I interviewed them for this, my article, thinly veiled as a diary entry. (Too gimmicky? I couldn't imagine writing about this in the third person.)

Danielle Tropea

Having read their diaries, I was past thinking they might be crazed egomaniacs, pathetic or freakish. Instead, I felt what many of their readers had -- a sense of connection. I concluded that instead of merely transgressing the boundaries between the public and private, these people were exploring and experiencing the changing nature of that boundary in a digital age. Carolyn's Diary, The Semi-Existence of Bryon and Natalie Engel's Chest of Lust, Longing and Obsession all explore the terrain of what Carolyn Burke calls 'the cognitive landscape'.

Bryon Sutherland

Although the three Net diarists I spoke to didn't know about each others projects when they began, when I spoke with them they described many of the same impulses and reflections about creating a public receptacle for their personal selves. They all felt that the web was being underutilized as a means of self-expression and they were all entranced by the act of writing itself. While others were busy putting up pages describing themselves and their interests, they chose the more active route of revelation; the act of recording the events and musings of their days, no matter how trivial or profound, seems entirely suited to this non-static medium. Bryon and Carolyn both told me they don't edit their entries for content or form and rarely do they refer to them later. This immediacy is evident in the text and certainly part of their power.

Still, giving your innermost thoughts an audience begs the question of whether such projects are egotistical or self-indulgent. "I'm afraid it is a somewhat egotistical project." Carolyn confessed. "I know that's supposed to be a sin but it's really sincere self-expression and a reflection of my personality. It's also useful therapy for me to have the collective mind of the internet listening."

I can't help but wonder if you would always want everyone listening. In particular, I worried about those people one might choose to talk about. Carolyn and Bryon both assured me that their public diaries have never wreaked havoc in their personal lives. Danielle, however, has an option that Carolyn and Bryon don't. as she writes under a pseudonym. If ever she steps on someone's toes, she can claim creative license.

But Natalie is an autobiographical character and Danielle's choice grew more from circumstance than for the sake of anonymity. (Danielle's diary is an offshoot of a college multimedia project.) Her writing is also not strictly tied to a specific moment, much of it culled from email she writes. "It doesn't really matter when it happens," she told me. "It's the sense of a common feeling that's important. There are themes in my life that ring true to others."

But these pages are not published for the benefit of those reading them. Writing is an inherently selfish exercise and when it exists in a public forum, the reader's reaction is an important part of the writer's satisfaction. Carolyn, who told me that her writing made her feel better understood and less isolated, also addressed why she and others who publish personal web pages find security in an audience. "People enjoy being known," She said. "Often they're lonely because they're not as well known as they'd like. You can be known to more people on the internet than you would in real life." These same people not only know you but they respond. Bryon told me about some of the email he received from people who proceeded to tell him about their personal lives. "While I appreciate these messages, since they feel a connection with me, I'm not entirely interested. But I always write back because its all so personal. After all, they know so much about me."

I'm impressed by how fearless they all seem. Bryon told me that he was by nature open, so he didn't think it was all that brave. "A lot of people are secretive and afraid when they don't need to be," he said. I read this statement in my notes this morning and wondered about myself and how secretive I was.

Earlier, Carolyn had asked me if I would ever consider publishing a diary and I quickly changed the subject. Then it dawned on me. I realized that in the process of writing about them, they might in turn write about me. I logged on immediately and pulled up Carolyn's diary. I make a brief appearance on Wednesday Sept. 27 and again on Saturday Sept. 30.