Black Page








space here - nothing

black



screaming black



head games



final jeopardy



lawyers



what should I choose?



walking out this 

afternoon knowing I 

will not go back 

unless things

change radically



they won't and I 

know this



and sitting here in 

paralysis for 5 

hours already.  

cannot draw a breath



in without pain. 

constricted insides.  

not even tears 

emerge any longer.





I have no answers.  

I do not want this 

way of living.  

Alone.  without



warmth or comfort or 

support.  without 

someone to love 

unconditionally.

I 

don't want to meet 

new people either.  

I've met too many.  

It's time

to be 

alone forever.



Too 

many times my 

efforts lead to 

creation and then 

death.  This is what



life does to people, 

it jades them.  So 

muh effort to the 

avail of no

gain. 

Excuse me.  I live 

in a nicer apartment.  





I let Peter get away 

with splitting any 

of our assets with 

me.  I

believed his 

claims that the 

stuff was shared.  

But I don't any 

longer.

Not after he 

reconsolidated about 

a third of 

everything without 

even

flinching in 

sharing with me the 

profits or putting 

me on title.  Old



reason for not 

putting me there - 

not a known credit 

risk.  New reason?



The resources and 

assets are not being 

treated as joint any 

longer.

Isn't he 

laughing now.  We 

split up after 13 

years and I don't go 

for

half.  Instead I 

believed him.



Now 

with FSC Internet, I 

will pursue my 

shares of both.  

Time to call a



lawyer.  A cheap 

greedy and smart 

lawyer, much like 

either Richard or



Peter would be.  A 

lawyer who drools on 

pettiness, and can 

out petty

iether of 

them and their 

schemes.  It's time 

to play this game



seriously.



Over the 

years, FSC was built 

withthe help of many 

of my friends.  

These

people never 

gained anything from 

it, and each was 

eventually tossed 

out

by me and 

Richard.  Why?  now 

we have people who 

will not smile at me 

in

any way other 

than as their boss.  

Isolation tank.  I 

started a business



with friends for a 

reason.  I have not 

enjoyed the pretense 

of being

friends 

with staff who are 

not otherwise of any 

interest to me...





And finally I do not 

enjoy the pretense 

of being anything 

but an owner

on 

paper at this place.  

no room to move





told to be nice all 

the time.  and yet 

being nice means not 

being

greedy.  It 

couldn't be more 

obvious.



I'll go be 

whatever the hell I 

want to be elsewhere.





I'll lay money on 

his deleting these 

pages.  defect on 

those who you

expect 

nothing good from - 

his motto.  



I can 

only wish and dream 

that it were 

otherwise.  time has 

told I am

wrong to 

dream any longer.





ambivalence?  less 

and less.



















And it is stil there.  

the wish that ... 

that Richard would 

lighten up,

tell me 

I am wonderful, 

leave to do great 

things, support 

those things,

stop 

treating me as if I 

were some alpha male, 

and then just relax 

a

little. 




repeat.