Jan 16/96. 17:15.
I violated doctor's orders to stay away from physical activity and went to the gym last evening. It was a discouraging, humiliating and frustrating workout. I found I could no longer run, lift, ride, as hard as I used to. It makes me feel like one of those out of shape middle aged people who crowd the gyms only in January and February in their almost always failed New Year resolutions. I am not what I used to be. I feel I am nothing. I AM nothing.
Sometimes it takes just one bad news/word/comment/question/ answer/joke to destroy someone's entire day. It's been such a long day. I'm exhausted. Broken promises have finally broken me. I like to say I am in the "beyond caring zone". But I'm not. I'm not sure if I have ever been there even though if you ask me, I will deny this relentlessly. Secretly, I care. That's why it hurts so much. And I hide this fact so deep and far into my soul that sometimes, even I believe in that "beyond caring zone". There is an ad on TV recently - of a child asking this very simple yet profound question; it goes something like this- "what if everybody in the world kept their promise?". I imagine I wouldn't be broken as much as I am now.
I should try not to care. But it's hard. I take promises seriously because my world revolves around nothing else but in trying to keep in touch in little ways. I like to push people away, but when they try, I want to reach back. Sometimes people make promises and break them as if it matters nothing to them. To me, it is abandonment. It breaks me in a big way. It feels like a blow to a wound which has not fully healed.
Jan 21/97. 17:05. Tuesday.
Cold frozen weekend. Spent most part of it trying to get back into my running form. I’m much better physically. I’m running a lot better too - not as well as I was before I fell sick, but getting there. I’ll probably spend less time on working out than I have been the previous four months. Only because I think it is time to let go of something I became "obsessed" with in my efforts to ease the confusion and uncertainty after the incident at the end of August. It was a rather frantic attempt to hold onto something tangible amidst the chaos. I don’t need it as much now. Like a next phase/chapter of life, we move on???? I have tried to build things back after it all came crashing down, after losing everything I thought was important to me. Now, four months later, I’m getting a foothold. I think. I hope. One can only pray.
So here I am, in the middle of a rat race, feeling more invisible as ever. But PRESENT, in full living colour. I don’t feel any happier. Maybe a little more relieved. But no happier. I keep wanting to go back to the freedom of this previous summer. It was the summer of my life. I still keep dreaming of Disney World. It was the one thing I’ve ever given myself in my entire 23 years on this planet. That was the permission to be free from all worry, pain, regrets and memories. Disney World was perfect. I’d never been there, therefore I had no expectation, and most importantly, no memories. And I allowed myself to not worry about what would be after the trip. I’d do anything to get back that freedom. But I can’t now. I have responsibilities. I have to live, or at least try,….even if I don’t want to, for now.
Jan 24/97. 10:40.
Been in such a weird mood lately. Angry, irritable, cranky. Yesterday, refused to speak to anyone at the office. Felt too ready to pick a fight with just about anyone. Engrossed myself in work and took off for lunch only around 3 in the afternoon, then stayed until 5 and then disappeared for the day. Went to the Y to try to work off the 'excess energy'. Felt only slightly better.
What is happening to me?
Sometimes I don't even know who I am. The angry person I was yesterday, or the quiet sullen one today? The depressed one a few days ago, or the go-getter who felt the high of praises earlier this week for a job well done?
What's going to happen to me?
This morning, I woke up and wondered how long this would go on for. I thought about how unassertive I used to be (and mostly still am), and how when I'm angry and irritable, would not hesitate to say nasty things, and mostly things I would regret later on. How much longer? of going up and down, of reconfirming and validating my own existence? Of trying to fend people off and trying to find consolation in human contact? Of wanting more, and wanting nothing at all except some peace?
Jan 28/97. 09:30.
Haven't thought much. Haven't said much. Just going with the flow, trying to stay sane and coherent. Trying to understand words strung together by other people. Trying to keep my occasional comments from sounding less than half intelligent. Do I really understand anything anymore? If I'm lucky, yes. But luck comes and goes. That's its only problem.
The other night, I left my apartment to pick up dinner. The take- out place was only half a block away. I became confused, disoriented. It was so brief. It lasted maybe three seconds, and during those moments, I couldn't figure out where I was, where I was going, and how I was going to find where I was trying to get. I was halfway crossing the street when I double-backed and almost walked into a car. The guy blasted his horn at me, and I wanted to smash his window in. As usual, I didn't. I just stared at him quietly, but the rage inside didn't subside.
Feb 3/97.
Pain that washes away tears. Hysteria and grief that turns into quiet acceptance. I know I must accept. I also know I must fight, but I lack the energy now. I lack the fire and the soul. I want to walk away from this battle.....no, this war......and not see just how far I have come. That hurts too much. To see how far I have come, is to see how much I have lost.
Feb 4/97. 21:01
Wasn't it Buddha who said that the reason for unhappiness was desire?
Wouldn't that mean that if we had no desires, we would be happy? Does it
work that way? So, should we satisfy all desires and proceed on to remain
happy, or do we simply let go of all desires?
How can that possibly work?
It's heartbreaking how dreams die. Dreams don't simply vanish away overnight. They tend to shatter and crumble and break and devastate the soul. They writhe in my dreams at nights, wake me up in tears, break me down piece by piece,...they whisper tauntingly in my head just as I am taking a quiet stroll in the park, .... they scream at me just as I am trying to settle down to sleep. And for years after, they remain heavy in my heart, a wound that will never quite heal.
Feb 10/97. 09:00
It started off as a weekend from hell. I was ready to tear up the sidewalks on Friday. It got so bad I took half the day off, went home and slept the day off until Saturday late morning.
Felt as if I was floating on air. It was bizzare.
More than that, I seem to have lost something, yet I do not know
what.
And scream into silence...
Wednesday. Feb 12/97. 11:40.
WHAT
's there for me that will heal the beast? Who's been terrorized
beyond belief that will not receive a sympathetic ear?
Some things are dead, and nothing I do or say can ever change that. But I want to be a part of what changes. I want to be able to not just see it, feel it, but be able to appreciate it. Not sit here stagnant, watching, silent, meditative, unfeeling, helpless.
So goodbye, my good wishes go to you only.
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