Jan 7th 1997. 18:29.
A day of battle. Torn between wanting to relieve my soul by searching for peace. And wanting to hope.
Hope
How many times has it let me down? How do I tear this hope out of my wretched body?
My nights have been plagued by nightmares. These nightmares more vivid and they stay with me a while even after I wake. It's been like this ever since I was in the hospital. I can still see fragments of them in my mind's eye now.
IMAGES
Jan 11/97. 11:35.
More settled. Slept most of the week away. It did me some good physically. I still get pretty exhausted after walking around a bit.
More settled because?......I don't really know. I don't want to care. The tiredness calms my high strung nerves. It does me good.
Jan 12/97. Sunday. 11:00
Is there even such a word? Disenchantment? It has a meaning to me anyway. It means something which drowns the soul which has been trying to soar into the sky to touch the clouds. There are no clouds where I am. And I can't see light. I feel trapped in a cavern of darkness, alone, with only my fears surrounding me. I'm trying not to cry, but that's hard. I make it a point never to cry in front of people, but sometimes I'm too tired to hold the fortress I've built around my emotions. But I'm alone now, and I can cry. But I don't want to.
My heart aches. It actually physically aches. And I know it will ache until I finally let go of that barrier and have a good cry - the sobbing, aching, heaving kind of crying. But I have to be strong for now. WHY? Because I always look even worse after those, and I still have a whole day ahead of me to survive.
More images...dreamscapes
Jan 13/97. Monday. 15:20.
0800 and the walkways are crowded with people carefully balancing a cup of coffee in their hands. Me, among them today.
More nightmares last night. But at least they seem to be fading away quickly once I wake. I remember waking up once, feeling scared out of my mind, unable to tell if it was real or if it was a dream. But there is a voice now, that quickly reassures me by rational deduction. Still, not much of a consolation.
I didn't cry yesterday. A cold sense of resignation overwhelmed me. It was better not to think too much about it. I want to just survive for now and let things work the way they will work. I don't want to play a part in this frustrating "play" where nobody is following the script. And I can't deal with any more rejection, disappointments and disillusionment. After all, no one nominated me the Director. Gee, it's only MY life. Why should I have any control over it?
Maybe it's better to go with the flow. For now.
Jan 14/97. Tuesday. 00:46.
It feels like I keep losing people. People disappear. People change. People get married. People go away to build a new life that would not include me. People move away. I fade away. I am left behind and alone with unwanted memories, forever looking in through windows of homes that can never be mine. Warmth that I will never feel. And the memories of what was will drown me, and I will choke and gag on it, struggling to keep afloat in a sea of pain and regrets. WHY?
I'm so tired.
I'm so very tired.
I cannot seem to console that eternally crying child anymore.
If only you
knew how tired I am, would you love me then?
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