grapes of understanding

From: "Angela Pogue" 
To: Carolyn L Burke 
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 1996 09:43:27 +0000
Subject: grapes

Hi Carolyn.

I doubt Niels ever lied to you, although he has a strange sense of honesty sometimes. He views the past through the present and often represents his feelings then as his feelings now. I used to think it was his way of protecting me. Questions like, "You knew and spoke to Carolyn for how long and you didn't once even mention her to me???" were smoothed over as if you exchanged one or two emails and then out of the blue asked to visit. I know better. I know what he felt from your emails. I know the *smile* here and the *grin* there and the enthusiastic Wow! that he put into many of his emails. The point being, he explained this *after* the Canada trip when feelings for you were not of the "in love", but of the "fascinating and interesting person I know but I won't interact with on the present basis."

I think he did the same then with you. Much of the months after my visit to Denmark were so sad. I would write my heart away, usually about trivial things, and get many "busy! write later!" emails. No I was not anything like a girl friend *for him* then. He often commented that he wanted to fall in love with me but just couldn't. So I knew but didn't care to admit it. I wanted the fairy tale with Niels, the marriage, all the shit that even I didn't believe in. I wanted security because I knew he had no reason to stay. Something was lacking in me - but what? I had no clue. I think in a round about way, you gave me that clue. :)

Damn, Carolyn. You're diary entry nearly made me cry, but I think it couldn't have come at a better time for me atleast.

As for this Case person, he is still filling up my mailbox with stupid messages. He tells me that he finds you very difficult to understand and is mainly interested int his "love story" of mine. *roll of the eyes* I would imagine you see others reading for the entertainment purpose as well. *shrug*

Take care Carolyn,
Angela

help?

Angela P

Date: Fri, 08 Mar 96 11:00:53 0100 From: Angela Pogue To: clburke@passport.ca Subject: Feeding your curiosities? or mine? X-URL: http://carolyn.org/~clburke/index.html

I must admit, I'm terribly curious as to who you are. That is, when I don't feel threatened by you. Rather than addressing insecurities and asking whether they are relevant I prefer to illiminate what stimulates them... you, and Niels. Terribly rational, I know - but perhaps it is a good thing I am not. My sad attempt at possitive thinking.

Fear. Fear that I am not perfect. Why do I have to be perfect? Why do I have this desire to be perfect? It isn't perfect per se, but this desire to feel satisfied with myself. Pleased with myself. I don't.

Possitive thinking. How can I look to you for inspiration and encouragement when all I see is where I lack. Back to not feeling satisfied with who I am. Have you ever felt unhappy with who you are/were? I'm not sure I honestly have. Perhaps deluded myself that I was. Don't know.

Me. Seeing all that I don't have and all that I am not. A constant negative creature. Is it any wonder I feel like giving up and get so exhusted? I am rather curious where I get my drive from since I don't allow myself enthusiasm.

To begin to think possitively (I.e. rationally). That's what it all boils down to, isn't it? At least a good start.

So... still curious? My initial thought there was, "Don't be. I'm not interesting enough to be curious about." So sad, Angela. Shall we package this one as low self-worth or negative perception? These cute packaged flaws humor me. Me not being able to appreciate me... and having this magnified by playing the zero sum game. Better yet, and inferiority complex. You've got to admit... they are so rediculous. Buzz words.

What do you know of me? What do you think of me in relation to the way you think? What about me seems perfectly foreign to you? What about me can't you understand? That is what I am curious to about at present, although I am timid to hear your thoughts.

Take care,
Angela