From: Geoff Denslow
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 12:34
To: Carolyn L Burke
Subject: sad
I start this letter with my conclusion, as I doubt you reply to many people, possibly due to the amount of information you regularly input. Please read before trashing, indulge yourself with a few points of interest to me, the reader.
'. . . and us so-called grown-ups kept quieter, in part for concern of status abuse, and in part, the more honest part, for concern of feeling stupid ourselves. Well this was true of me anyway. . . '
Status abuse. Is this a true concern ? She ( she, rather than you, as I have not gained the right to refer to the lady as such ) surely can put anyone in their place with what appears to be an acidly and quick tongue - or is it just her typing skills that create this way of thinking. Is she publicly lacking in confidence ? Concern for feeling stupid ? Surely in the nineties, egoes cannot be damaged as easily as before. And if they can - does it matter ?
' . . . but a little bit inside of me says: to be happy, you must go into the world and get to really know others. And another bit echos that I should really lay quiet letting people think good things of me as the default. I shouldn't enlighten them about my nuisance value, my foolishness, nay, even my stupidity. So I stay quiet, and not free . . . '
Hmmm. Would it not be sad to lose such a voice as hers to the world ? How easy it would be to cocoon herself from the realities in the harsh outside. Are we only to see her shining light through our 13" displays ? Put away all thoughts of recluisiveness and leap forth . . . .
' . . . the road to power in the '90's is found in a lack of disagreement and a plethora of approval vibes. Smooth indeed. And hard to have a mind of one's own . . '
Pessimism again ! I am indeed lucky to have such a lack of knowledge as not to be so cowardly in the face of mass opposition !
' . . to quote (sort of) a guy I was talking with yesterday evening, to learn how to be an individual most people join a group. They learn the pattern of the moment.. all identically. And then they can feel like individuals. Heh . . '
Oh dear, perhaps she's right - it's just too sad in the real world.
' . . . no capitals on my I because my fingers are two sad to type them even while my brain says they should go here too . . '
'Two' sad. No capitals. Tut tut.
' . . and now I sit here sadly, though less sad as the layers peel away. And the fear lives in me often, the fear of others, and the fear of boring a hole in the universe of such minor size that no-one will ever know me either. . . '
The more I read the more vulnerable she sounds. Outwardly confident, inwardly a nervous child. So widespread is this.
' . . . I have a large scab over my mind right now. It's been there for awhile, and I need it a bit longer. To my friends, I'm quiet lately, untalkative. At least about myself. Not suicidal or anything. Not even self-destructive, although it sometimes feels that way. No, I just need some time. . .'
Quit babbling, Geoff. Forget about these thoughts right now. That's an order.
' . . . most likely that is Peter's effect on me . . . '
What huge, gigantic effects the man had on you. What were you like before ?
' . . . how do you introduce into a conversation with someone you know you've met before that you have no clue what you last talked abou with them .. their life details, their loves and concerns (cat fur in the keyboard for instance), their personal revelations and lifelong goals. . . '
Is your long-term memory really so bad ?
' . . . still not smiling. Some people are naturally happy. Others have figured out how to be happy. And then there is the rest of us -- those who once in awhile have flashes of the stuff, but who have no direct influence on when, how or how long. I think there must be a way, but I think it involves wanting to be happy. I guess I don't. . . '
This is the saddest of the lot. To analyse happiness in such a way is to destroy it. Happiness IS other people and how they are. Watch. Listen. You too can be a happy bear. Trust me.
Geoff Denslow