this grand endeavour

Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 19:35:14 
From: Russ 
To: clburke@carolyn.org
Subject: this grand endeavour

Good evening. I am Russ, or Rue Barb those who know me best. For weeks, I have followed your life in this little corner of cyberland. I have had problems with finances, so I was using my work computer and couldn't respond. Now I have my own E-mail and access.

You remind me of myself a couple of years ago. I could nor ever would discourage you from thinking. It's an incredibly rare think for people to do these days.

I don't know why I'm even writing. (I don't expect a response, by the way. You're a celeb. now.) But, if I could say anything, it would be this. Life is made up of little tests. Some carry the misleading label of being "life-changing" such as those damn college exams I took in HS a few years ago. In the past, I used to regard each one as a final exam, that if I blew it, my whole life would be ruined. Dating, career choices, even whether I stayed in my band or not. These tests were a strange form of challenge and validation to me. I win, I'm good, I move on. The only trouble is, when you fail, you sit around bumming for a month.

It took a year or two out of college for me to realize that, despite all the claims of my former teachers, my life was just as unprepared and unplanned as it was in 9th grade. All those life defining moments that I thought were so important, well, I only remember one or two now. I have retired from my serious ways and begun what I call "The search for peace" (By the way, it's neverending)

I'm rambling. My point is this. I have read of your good times, and there are quite a few. However, I am mystified that you feel a need to dwell upon the sadness in your life so much. The problem with a chronicle is that it brings all these incidents constantly back to the forefront of your contemplation. I just wanted to write and encourage you as it seems your life, as you portray it, is harder than usual lately. And I wanted to say these tests are not final.