Happiness is something Niels has by default. He claims that others who don't have it have been fucked around somehow. We talked a lot about this as it plays in my opinion a pivotal role in our relationship. I wonder how he can be so positive and so full of energy and enthusiasm. He honestly wonders why others would not be that way. He tries to empathize with people who feel sad or downtrodden. He knows his tries are only remotely like what they must feel.
I've been wondering lately whether I can stand Niels at all. I've been having doubts. This morning's conversation allevaited most of them soundly. But I did have them.
Niels comes across to me as being falsely happy, concerned in fact with announcing rather loudly and rather often that he is happy, wonderful, excellent, perfect, synonyms for his inner feelign of well-being. Alright. Let's assume he really is happy in this way.. whyis he busy announcing it. Is it a culture thing? Is it a defense against the unhappy vibes most of transmit at lest sometimes? Is it a manipulative strategy for social situations - an attempt to upliftthe temporary moods of others to achieve as best as possible all the time?
Now assume that is is attempting to create an environment around himself that results from these announcements, that they are not true in themsleves, but are rather only social moves. I know for certain that they are at least social moves. SO the question reamins to me only as to what it is like to be Niels on the inside as compared to what it is lik eot be me on the inside.
One thing we've agreed isthat when he usesthe social maneuvering stuff on me I react by getting miserable. It doesn't work on me. So if he does it at all around me then it should be only about his inner state. Why then is his inner state always so positive?!
I was almostto the point of saying to him that I've had enough. It is just too hard. When he comes along on the phone and tries to explain exactly about what happiness really is, and why he really is happy inside. We concude from this that I am also as happy as him, although I clearly do not emit happiness. I do now emit success, confidence, ... But no happiness about these.
I think I don't because I come from such a group of high energy, but sad or heavily burdened people: Peter, Richard, Tracey, Hella, Carey, and others.
Suddenly I think to myself -- right now -- I've been working to change this about me. I want people around who not only can do what they want, who can not only recognize it and go for it, but who can also enjoy it emotionally. I forgot htis these past few weeks while trudging through the ups and downs of Peter's and Hella's and then mine inreaction, and then Richard's and ...... in reaction.
Last week I decided to damp these wild reaction swings. I think I was the only person who wanted to damp this.. and I advocated this to the others. We stopped keeping each other up to the minute informed on details. We started sending personable letters through email again, and not only business details. And the dampening occurred. There hasn't been a "My god, it's a million dollars!!" reaction in quite a few days. :) Well dampened. Oh, and Peter got food poisening from his 7/Eleven diet. He says he'll go back to eating from dumpsters since they refresh their food more regularly. :) This dampened him very nicely.
So I am at peace again suddenly with Niels, and I learn to know who he is more and more. His enthusiasm is unusual... But I think so far I don't understand enough not to believe him in what he says. He is after all quite a bright guy.
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